I recently had an unpleasant interaction with someone I consider a close friend. I thought I was teasing him good naturedly, but it was apparent, he was insulted, even angered by my comment. To say I was taken aback would be a gross understatement. This guy has a great sense of humor and is not above teasing me and usually gives as good as he gets, but in this instance, he immediately turned cold and distant and it made me wonder and reflect on the density of a person’s skin.
In Hamlet, Shakespeare has the queen utter a phrase “The lady doth protest too much, methinks” and I find this to be true when someone surprises me like my friend just did. When someone goes on and on about how they are not what you called them, to the point of obsession, perhaps they are trying to convince themselves more than us. I’m not saying this is true of my friend, but I think it is true in general. I know myself, when someone says to me “You’re too nice or too soft and people walk all over you.” (which has been said to me many times over my lifetime) Instead of just laughing and saying “oh well”. Or giving a simple denial such as “Says you”. I launch into all the times I was “tough”. All the times I didn’t let people walk all over me. All the the times I struck fear in the hearts of my foes! Okay that last one may be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get my drift. I vehemently deny it and even as I’m doing it, I realize I am convincing myself more so than anyone else.
I realize I am quite different when someone teases me about something that is and has never been true. That doesn’t bother me as much. For example, once when I was complaining about a problem I was having with Verizon, I said “Of course it didn’t help that the person barely spoke English”. My friend said “So you’re a racist” and I said “you know it” and ignored the comment. It was a joke, a tease, a comment on the times. And there was no need to deny it, because it was simply not true. I was merely frustrated that I couldn’t even express what the problem was. We both knew it. I dismissed it with one comment and we moved on. I don’t do that when someone accuses me of being a marshmallow….And I guess it’s because it’s harder to dismiss something when A) there is an element of truth to it 2) It is something that has bothered you for years. Somehow you don’t find it funny.
The problem is, the person doing the kidding, often doesn’t know this and hard feelings ensue. And I think that having thick skin or the ability to take teasing, insults etc. with a grain of salt may be a myth. Perhaps we all have thick skin when an insult or even good-natured teasing is not based in truth. But thin skinned when upon reflection, we know there is an element of truth in what was just said. Perhaps it is not coincidental that the thickest skin on the human body is in the soles of the feet and the palms of the hand and the thinnest is around the eyes and ears. The eye lids and postauricular areas are said to have the thinnest skin. Think about that for a minute. The eyes and ears lead into our consciousness, our essence. There is a saying “Eyes are the windows to the soul”. Perhaps we are thin skinned in this area literally as well as figuratively because the eyes pick up on our soul, our vulnerability, our truth of self. The ears filter those same sentiments into our consciousness and it is hard to escape, and so we “protest too much” or rationalize too much instead of letting it go. When something has no merit nor the slightest element of truth to it, we brush it off with the thick skin on the palms of our hands or we walk past it using the thick skin on the souls of our feet?
I found the analogy interesting as I handle the shock of my friend’s reaction to what I thought was a simple tease. Of course it doesn’t excuse the fact that it obviously did insult him, or hurt him or anger him. For that, I am sorry and must try to make amends. We are not mind readers and often we don’t know the difference between what we felt was a silly statement with no seed of truth and what may be more than that….a seed that is planted so deep that we have never suspected it. It is a skill I would like to get better at developing, to avoid situations like this in the future. Or maybe it isn’t a big deal at all, and I’m just “too nice” or “too naive” to see it…..Although there was that time when I was so “not nice” and really tough and…….
New Endings 